When you imagine yourself as a really confident person, what does that look like? Does it mean your loud, gregarious, independent and self-contained? Or could it be quiet, calm, authentic and comfortable with asking for help?
For some reason asking for help in our society has become a sign of weakness. Why is it that we would rather struggle on with a feeling of overwhelm or stress, rather than turn to a friend or colleague to help us out?
One of the reasons, I believe, is that we like to give the impression to others that we have everything under control and don’t like to show our vulnerabilities.
One of my favourite guru’s is Brene Brown, a research psychologist in America who has studied shame and vulnerability. If you haven’t seen her Ted talk then I really recommend it The Power Of Vulnerability
I know in the past I have wanted to multitask and ‘do it all’. I’d rather play the martyr, working really hard to juggle everything and building resentment against others for not realising I needed help. When all I had to do was ask.
Now I realise that people love to help, it gives them a warm feeling and I acknowledge that I am worthy of receiving support.
It did feel scary at first as I found it uncomfortable to relinquish control. But by letting go and allowing others in to help you, gives some surprising benefits. I found that it strengthened my relationships and that colleagues found me less intimidating.
I highly recommend you dare to implement asking for help into your life. You can start by changing your mindset around what a confident person looks like. I believe that knowing when to ask for help and why you need it is a strong sign of confidence.
What you’ll also notice is then your priorities start to change, with less focus on being in control and more on you and what you need or want.
With that in mind, I’d really appreciate your help in sharing these thoughts with others. If you could share this article on Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin I’d appreciate it.
What help are you going to ask for today?
P.S. If you’d like my help with your confidence, I’d love to have a quick 2omins chat with you. I’ll share at least one technique that you can use to boost your confidence immediately. Just email me here
the natural result of low confidence is inaction. When women don’t act, when we hesitate because we aren’t sure, we hold ourselves back. But when we do act, even if it’s because we’re forced to, we perform just as well as men do’.
My question for you is what are you going to do today to narrow the confidence gap?
Does the word conflict make you feel immediately uncomfortable?
Would you do anything to shut down or change a conversation if there was a disagreement?
That’s a normal reaction because fighting isn’t fun. It’s stressful and it can affect your important relationships.
However, in many situations at work or with friends it can be a healthy way to express your feelings and to have your thoughts and opinions heard.
What stops us speaking up when we disagree?
There’s a lot of different reasons and I’ve picked out here some of the common ones my clients mention:
A deep fear of upsetting the other person, being disapproved of or causing other negative emotions
An experience of bad arguments in your childhood or adulthood
A childhood where there was never conflict and disagreements weren’t discussed
Conditioning by society, school or parents to behave like a ‘nice’ girl
How do I build my conflict resolution skills?
Step 1 – is this issue important enough to me to speak up? You don’t have to confront every situation but if it’s happened before, you are having conversations in your head about it or it breaches your personal boundaries, then go for it
Step 2 – speak assertively. This means talking about the facts of the situation and using ‘I’ statement. Then you won’t be blaming the other person and they’re less likely to be defensive
Step 3 – Listen and question. I like to think about Stephen Covey’s famous quote “Seek first to understand, then to be understood“
Step 4 – what is the real issue behind the conflict? The issue for the other person might not be actually what you’re disagreeing about. For example, a heated family discussion about who has the parents for Xmas might actually be about feelings of jealousy or being left out. When you know the real meaning it’s easier to be compassionate
Step 5 – winning isn’t always the right outcome. Having a set outcome in mind is important, such as an apology or change of opinion. But sometimes just speaking up for yourself is enough. It gives a great boost to your self-respect and also might build the other person’s respect for you.
“I am”, these two very simple words have the power to impact on you and your confidence.
Whenever you use the words “I am..” or ‘I’m not…” you are labelling yourself. We love to label ourselves, others and things as it gives us clarity in a confusing world.
Be careful though, that by defining yourself with these two words you’re not limiting your reality and your potential.
For example, due to my regular accidents with cars, phones and wine glasses. I will tend to say about myself “I am clumsy”. But am I really? Or do I lack concentration in certain situations?
By labelling myself as clumsy I avoid doing certain tasks and restrict my abilities.
It can be very hard to differentiate between what you say about yourself and what is true.
To avoid this you need to be able to differentiate between conditional and unconditional labels.
These are truths about us that are unconditionally true. Such as “I am a mother” or “I am a teacher”. They define us and are helpful to use.
They can sometimes feel uncomfortable when used to describe a positive.
To some people saying “I am an entrepreneur” or “I am a writer” is difficult, as they’re not sure they’re worthy of it. But it’s important to accept and acknowledge your identity as a step to a strong self-worth.
These are labels we put on ourselves that aren’t always true, like my “I am clumsy”. They’re usually negative labels and are often driven by our insecurities. For example “I am fat” or “I am unhappy’ or “I am lazy”.
They may have some truth in them, but they are a state you’re in at a particular time rather than a definition of you.
Instead, try using “I’m feeling unhappy at the moment” or “Today I’m too lazy to do it”. It’s a small difference in words but a huge difference in the effect on your mindset.
My advice is to use unconditional “I am” more frequently and to be aware of and avoid the conditional “I am”. You’ll be surprised what a difference it can make to your confidence.
P.S. If you’d like to have a chat with me about this and other confidence issues, you can book a call at www.speakwithjo.com
To invest in yourself is one of the best returns on investments you can have.
Whether it’s investing in learning a new skill, developing yourself personally or professionally, tapping into your creativity or hiring a coach, you need to give to yourself first before you can give to others.
Investing in yourself is also an example of self-respect and self-love and the only person that can do that is you.
Why is investing in yourself so powerful?
When you spend time or money on yourself it sends a powerful message to you and the world. The message is:
I am of value and potential, and that is important enough to me that I’m going to give myself the energy, space and time to grow and create results.
When you’re willing to say yes, take that leap of faith and invest in yourself, you will feel empowered and gain many other amazing rewards.
I would like to share some incredible ways that you can invest in yourself. The great news is they don’t all require money.
Invest in building your confidence. People who know their value, have something to say and others will listen. You can invest in yourself by developing an understanding of the value that you possess and offer others.
Take care of your health. Eat right each day, fueling your body with nutrients. When you focus on eating healthier choices, you will feel better and have more energy. I know that the unhealthy burger or chocolate bar gives us instant gratification, but if you’re like me, you regret it later, because you feel guilty afterwards. Do something every day to get moving and get your heart rate up, even, if it’s just walking the dog. Moving gives you the energy to take on the day with confidence because of how it makes you look and feel.
Invest time in your creativity. Our creativity doesn’t have to diminish as we get older. In fact, it is believed that the peak of creativity in most people is around 30-40 years old. (Lindaur, 1998, Marisiske &Willis, 1998) Creativity inspires us to have fun and appreciate the beauty in the world
Invest in a coach. A coach can assist you in putting all of these strategies into action. A coach is your partner in success. It is their job to assist you in creating and implementing your success plan, so you can become the best that you can be.
I can promise you this: When you invest in yourself, a world of opportunities will open up for you. And, if you have a career/business where you sell your services, you must know that no one will invest in you until you invest in yourself first.
Investing in yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially, will allow you to become the best version of yourself.
According to research, people generally make a judgement on you in less than 7 seconds.
For the majority of interactions you may not care what they think, but with certain individuals, making a good impression is very important.
So how do you ensure that you get the most out of those 7 seconds?
Well here are my top tips for building rapport with strangers:
Get the basics right. Smile and make eye contact. 48% of people feel that a smile is the most memorable feature after meeting someone.
Use confident body language. Your body language should be open and taking up as much space as possible. Looking confident even if you don’t feel it inside, tricks your mind into feeling confident
Be positive. You might be feeling nervous or having a tough time but if you pass that negative feeling onto others they can be drained and form a negative impression. Every situation has a learning opportunity and having an upbeat attitude really helps rapport
Listen actively and be present. Too often we think we’re listening and focusing on the other person but actually, we’re away in our own heads. Keep your focus on the other person, stay present in the moment and really listen
Mirror or match. This is a way of nonverbally saying “I have something in common with you”. Use your body language to copy what the other person is doing e.g. cross legs or folding arms (matching). Or do the opposite (mirroring) e.g. they put their left hand under their chin and you do your right hand. Make sure you do it subtly not overtly.
Whether a 1st impression can be changed or not is something disputed by researchers. However, it has been shown that the more important a relationship is to us, the more open we are to gradually reform our 1st impression.
So even if you missed your chance in the first 7 seconds. If it’s important to you, you’ll have many more seconds to try again.
Why are some people more confident and courageous than others?
This is a question I regularly get asked and the answer is a combination of biology, upbringing, society and choice.
The choice element is the biggest influence on courage and confidence. Whether you choose to be positive and take risks or to stay in your comfort zone.
You can choose to build your confidence by challenging yourself, but you can also become more courageous by avoiding certain behaviours.
These are my top 6 behaviours that confident and courageous people don’t do:
They don’t try to please everyone all the time. Being kind and thoughtful is obviously important. But ignoring your own wants and needs to keep others happy will only knock your self-esteem and confidence
They don’t worry about things that are out of their control. Rather than ‘what if’ worrying about the future or being anxious about experiences in the past, which they can’t change. Confident and courageous people focus on the present and on things which are within their circle of influence
They don’t avoid new and challenging opportunities. This doesn’t mean they don’t have self-doubts or feel nervous. But they have the courage to know whatever happens they can deal with it
They don’t get stuck on self-pity. Like all of us, they do sometimes feel sorry for themselves. however, even when life feels unfair they are able to move forward
They don’t spend time with negative people. They realise how draining these people can be that constantly complain or see the negative side of life. Instead, they surround themselves with friends and colleagues who leave them feeling positive and energised
They don’t need others approval. We all like to receive positive feedback sometimes, but confident and courageous people have enough self-belief and trust to make their own decisions and stand by them
How confident and courageous are feeling today?
Choose one of the behaviours from above that you recognise and challenge yourself to let it go this week. You’ll be surprised at the positive effect it will have.
Curiosity is my favourite behaviour at the moment because focusing on curiosity creates confidence.
It allows me to see things from the other person’s perspective and to question why they interpret comments and situations in a different way.
By depersonalising the situation it means I don’t go down the “it must be all about me” thinking route, which can knock your confidence levels.
I recently worked with my client Jane* on using curiosity to help with her work relationships.
Jane was worried about her colleague’s behaviour towards her. She felt intimidated and undermined by them. Whatever friendly or professional approaches Jane made to her colleague the response was abrupt and sometimes rude. That left Jane with self-doubts and worrying about what she was doing wrong.
As part of our work, I suggested Jane replace her spiral of worrying with curiosity about her colleague’s mindset instead.
Jane can never know what her colleague is thinking, but several possible scenarios occurred to her:
Was the fact that Jane had recently joined the team triggering her colleague’s own insecurities?
Did her colleague feel more important having worked there longer and resented having to bring another team member up to speed?
Was she worried about relationships within the team changing?
Did she have issues outside of work that could be affecting her behaviour?
Now that Jane has accepted she can’t change her colleague’s behaviour, she’s chosen to believe it’s not about her. That has allowed her to break free from the self-doubts and become a confident member of the team.
If you struggle with managing your relationships at work, then try being curious about the other person, rather than giving yourself a hard time.
Worrying what others think can really hold you back at work and in life, if it’s affecting you then do read my latest free download. Click the link below.
When you reach the end of the day and realise you haven’t achieved the things you wanted to. You’ve got a hectic day tomorrow, which means you’ll be too stressed to get them done, and now you feel full of self-doubt and anxiety.
Wouldn’t it be great to wake up the next day feeling fresh, positive and confident instead?
When you’re rushing around and unprepared in the morning, it makes you vulnerable to engaging with negative thinking. However, if you develop your own Confidence Boosting Morning Routine, even for just a few minutes, you can feel confident and alert.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Make sure your alarm is soothing or motivating. I know when I wake up to loud music or an irritating voice (that’s my husband!) That it will put me in a low mood
Drink a glass of water slowly. Not only does this rehydrate you from the night to clear your mind. It also slows you down and keeps you focused on the present
Avoid thinking about your to-do list for the day. This can make you feel anxious and stressed. Distract yourself by focusing on your breathing or creating some order, such as making your bed
Visualise yourself being confident and motivated. If you run a film in your mind of leaving the house and going about your day positively, your mind assumes it’s real and it lifts your mood
Look for positives in the mirror. As women, we often focus on negatives in our reflection rather than the things we like about ourselves, such as eye colour or our smile
Eat breakfast mindfully. When I eat breakfast I tend to be distracted by the family or by multitasking. Take the time to sit down properly and notice the smell, taste and texture of your food as you eat it. This keeps you present and has also been shown to reduce the amount you eat.
Do you have any other ideas on how to start the day confidently? Let me know so I can try them out in my routine.