As you’re reading this you probably think you’re a people pleaser. If so, then you are one of the nicest and most helpful people around. People count on you to help out at work and with family and friends.
But … it can be a very unhealthy pattern of behaviour.
From my research and from the work I do with my clients. I’ve identified 3 common signs that a people pleaser might recognise.
You agree to everything people ask of you as you don’t want to upset them or appear unthoughtful
You’re anxious to say the ‘right’ thing in case you are wrong or judged negatively
People take advantage of your kind nature and you feel resentful, but you don’t speak up
If you recognise these signs then you’re probably looking for outside validation. Your sense of security and self-confidence are based on getting approval from others
You fear that you’ll be thought of as selfish, uncaring or lazy, if you don’t help others. But trying to be indispensable, reliable and even Superwomen creates a habit of saying yes.
Pleasing people can really affect your mental health. You might end up stressed and overloaded, which, can affect your sleep, make you anxious and physically ill.
What can you do to prevent yourself from reaching that stage?
Here are my top strategies:
You Have A Choice – people pleasers are so ingrained in the habit that they may not realise that NO is an option. Remind yourself regularly that no one has the right to make you say YES (not even your boss!)
Pause – Get into the habit of pausing before you react to a request. You could say “I’ll need to think it over and check my diary” or at least have a moment to check in with yourself as to whether the request is fair or doable
Practice Saying No – when you say no it can feel uncomfortable if you’re not used to it. Try these tips:
Start with saying thank you that they thought of you or asked you. This softens your No
Say why you’re saying No, but keep it concise and you don’t need to apologise
Add how you feel as it can help with understanding and make it harder to argue with e.g. I’m feeling overwhelmed or unwell
Make a suggestion as to who or what else they could try
Respect Your Boundaries – Work out what boundaries are important to you and stick to them e.g. Working hours, family time at the weekend, number or networking events, socialising once during the week
If You Say Yes Have Limits – decide if there is a certain amount of time, money or effort you’re prepared to commit? Or will you have to rearrange other priorities or commitments?
Don’t Be Taken In By Flattery – lines such as “you’re so much better at understanding this than me and you’ll do it quickly” or “the report you did last time was so helpful”. Are manipulative, so check in with yourself before you agree
Don’t Feel Guilty – when you change behaviour, especially one related to other’s opinion it can feel really uncomfortable. Remember, that you’re respecting your time and needs which is not selfish or self-centred
Think about what plans you have this week at work or at home. Can you identify any that you are doing to please others?
If so, reflect on whether it’s something you’ve chosen to do or something you’ve agreed to do to avoid saying no.
Being aware of when you’re pleasing others is the first step towards changing your habit.
If you’d like help in overcoming your people pleasing behaviour then book a free call with me at www.speakwithjo.com
Are you feeling stuck with no idea how to get out of your rut?
Then perhaps you need a push to step up and feel valued and recognised. Or some clarity on where you want to go in the long-term.
Whatever your reason is, having an objective expert support you can get you amazing results.
How do you know if you would benefit from a Career Coach?
Here are 8 signs you need some support in your career:
You’re Unhappy At Work – This might sound obvious but if you’re dissatisfied at work it’s clear something needs to change. The negative effect of not feeling valued or fulfilled at work spreads into other areas of your life until everything feels wrong. A report by Deloitte says that 80% of people don’t enjoy their job. If that’s you isn’t it time to make a change? It could be changing your mindset and behaviours at work or looking for a new position.
You’re Invisible Or Overlooked – In today’s workplace, it’s important to not only work hard and deliver well but also to be visible and demonstrate your confidence. If you feel your opinion and ideas are ignored and new opportunities pass you by, then you need a career coach to improve your impact.
You’d Like To Get A Pay Rise But Are Scared To Ask – Perhaps you feel that the responsibilities you have and the potential you’ve shown mean you deserve an increased reward. Knowing how to prepare for and have that conversation is very important. So don’t risk failing by talking to a career coach first.
You’re Not Progressing In Your Career – Do you feel your career advancement has stalled or there’s no opportunity to progress? You know you could do better but aren’t sure how to change. An expert Career Coach can help you get clarity on the barriers to your career taking off and help you develop strategies to get there.
Self-doubt And Lack Of confidence Are Holding You Back – We all have that inner critical voice that holds us back. Yours maybe telling you “Who are you to think you can do that role?” Or “Don’t speak up you’ll sound stupid”. Questioning your abilities is one of the most common factors to hold people back in their career. Take your first proactive step by talking to a Career Coach.
You Know This Job Isn’t Right But Don’t Know What Else To Do – Wanting to change career but having no idea what to do can be very frustrating. If your head is spinning with so many thoughts and ideas that you can’t move forward, then you need someone to help you get clarity. A Career Coach can use exercises and coaching skills to build a picture of your ideal career and then help you build a plan to achieve it.
You’ve Identified Your Dream Career But Not How to Get There – Does your ideal career feel unachievable? Then work with a Career Coach to develop the steps you need to take to get there. Or to incorporate your passion into your life in other ways.
You’re About To Start A New Job And Want To Make A Big Impact – The first few weeks when you start a new role are your honeymoon period. You have the opportunity to ask questions and identify the expectations of you. Don’t miss this valuable period by jumping in at the deep end and trying to make an immediate big impression. A Career Coach can talk you through the most effective way to start a new role.
Have you resonated with any of these signs?
Then have a serious think about working with a Career Coach. Investing in yourself at this point will reap huge rewards in the longer term.
My 14 year old daughter Holly was invited last year to be a member of the Youth Climbing Academy. She’s only been climbing for 18 months so this was an exciting and big surprise.
In the last few weeks she’s been attending competitions. Being the youngest in her age group and a lot less experienced has meant she’s usually towards the bottom of the results league.
As I’ve watched her struggling with the climbs which range from tricky to launches that not even Spiderman could make! I’ve prepared myself for the meltdowns, the tears and demands to leave or not return to training.
You might think I’m going to say that none of that happened, but to be realistic, of course it did.
We had tears over the blisters and cuts on her palms, the upset and disappointment at not being able to ‘top’ a wall after 5 tries.
The amazing thing was though, that after a few minutes of feeling down she bounced back and off she’d go again.
For 3 hours at a time she’d persevere and keep pushing herself. Watching others to see how to navigate a wall. Going out of her comfort zone to try harder and harder routes.
Over the past few weeks her determination has definitely paid off as she slowly moves up the results table.
What Was The Confidence Lesson I learnt From Her?
Apart from being very proud of the person she’s growing into, as any parent is. I saw how her determination, resilience and willingness to take risks enabled her to improve.
She didn’t worry what others thought or ruminate for long periods on what she was doing wrong or if she was good enough.
The times when she was frustrated and annoyed were short lived and fresh thinking would takeover, allowing her to go again.
As I sit writing this in the cafe of the climbing wall, for her third training session this week. I can’t help thinking that If we all learnt this confidence lesson. and started replicating these behaviours. Dropping the self-doubt and self-consciousness that holds us back. Then we could have the confidence to climb the walls in our lives or career that seem so scary now.
If you’d like some support in developing confidence and resilience in your career or life then do book a free Discovery Call with me on my online calendar at www.speakwithjo.com
We’ll discuss your current situation, the challenges you face and I’ll share some ideas on how you can move forward.
Firstly, Albie our Cocker Spaniel saw the postman before me as we left the house. His lead slipped out of my hand and he charged after the man with what sounded like an intention to kill. It was probably a bad day for the postman too!
Then I lost or had stolen, my purse complete with cash, cards, driving license etc at the supermarket (it’s still not been found).
As a result my stressful thinking meant I was late for parents evening and felt like a rubbish mother who was incapable of doing the simplest of things.
When like me, you’re having a bad day, doubting yourself or your insecurities are rampaging, It can be difficult to take action or make decisions.
We all get these low experiences, it’s part of human nature.
So how can you lift yourself back up and have the confidence to move forward?
Well, here are 4 strategies I recommend to help you:
Accept That It’s Okay To NOT Be Okay Sometimes. Tough, unfair things and mistakes do happen in life. There are times when we all feel grief, shame, guilt and failure. Accept that these are human emotions and that it’s okay to feel not okay, it’s okay to feel low and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Then treat yourself with compassion knowing that at some point these bad feelings will start to pass.
Take One Tiny Step Forward. You don’t have to make a huge change to start feeling more confident or to overcome your self-doubt. You just need to decide on one tiny positive step and that will begin the shift. Whether it’s writing down your positive achievements, deciding to stop talking negatively about yourself or asking for help. Just one small step at a time will build to a big change.
Keep Present In Today. Assuming that this bad day will mean the rest of your life will be rubbish is untrue and unhelpful. Looking further ahead than the current moment can feel scary and overwhelming when your mood is low. If you can focus on this day or this minute rather than what’s happened in the past or might happen in the future. You will allow your worry to reduce and your mind to clear.
Be Okay With Not Knowing What Others Think. If your self-doubt is driven by worrying about how others maybe judging you or why they’ve said or behaved in a certain way. Then you’re allowing others to control how you feel. Instead accept that you’ll never know exactly what anyone else is thinking and the confident thing to do is assume their thoughts are positive.
I hope you’re having a good day and to improve mine I’d really appreciate you sharing this blog on social media using the buttons below.
Do you like to reflect and think through an opinion before giving it?
Do you feel uncomfortable speaking up in work meetings as you don’t want the focus on you?
These are characteristics of someone who is introverted or shy, but they don’t stop you being a very successful leader.
You may feel nervous in front of a large team meeting or have to push yourself into dealing with a conflict situation, but you’ve been given your leadership role for a reason.
It might be that you really know your stuff, that you collaborate really well or manage projects successfully. Don’t let the fact your natural personality is different from others hold you back.
What Strategies Can Help You Demonstrate Your Leadership Abilities?
Take Time Out – There are times when you’ll need to show you have the passion and enthusiasm to lead a team. This might require you to turn up the dial of your energy and personality so, make sure you have time before and after to recharge by being alone
Have 1:1 Meetings – Being an introverted or shy personality means you’re more suited to individual meetings where you can build good rapport. Your comfortable relationship with each team member will then carry over into larger team meetings
Get a mentor or role model – In many organisations the ‘loud and proud’ leadership style is most prevalent but not necessarily the best. Look out for the quieter confidence of some leaders and use them as a role model or mentor
Play To Your Strengths – Introverts and people who are shy come with other strengths to add to a team, such as; self-awareness, collaboration and creative thinking. Use your strengths to demonstrate your leadership style
Be Authentic – These suggestions don’t mean you shouldn’t speak up or be assertive and directive. Just do them in your own style rather than trying to fake the traditional stereotype of a leader.
The tradition of making new year resolutions has a well documented history. For example the Babylonians made promises at the start of the year to their gods to pay their debts and return borrowed items.
Today 40 to 50% of us still make them. What I find interesting is that any new resolutions made at the start of the year are 10 times more likely to be achieved than those made at other times of the year.
What are you planning to change this year?
The most common promises that are made at new year are:
To donate to charities more often
Try to become more assertive
Strive to be more environmentally responsible
Improve physical well-being: eat healthy food, lose eight, exercise more, eat better, drink less alcohol, quit smoking, get rid of old bad habits
Improve mental well-being: think positive, laugh more often, enjoy life
Progress career: perform better at current job, get a better job
The most common goals that my clients have are:
Stop worrying what others think
Improve visibility and recognition in their career
Believe in their abilities
Not be held back by self-doubts
Deal with conflict and difficult relationships
Do any of those resonate with you?
I’m a big fan of setting goals and personal development but, do remember that although they’ll give you a short term buzz. They won’t give you the happiness, fulfilment and contentment that you maybe expecting.
Those feelings are already inside you and you don’t need to find anything on the outside to connect with them. Then improving yourself feels light hearted and enjoyable.
I have my own goals around my fitness and business growth this year and know that whatever happens with those goals I’m still okay as the SAME ME!
If one of your goals this year is about improving your confidence in your career or your life and you’d like support to ensure you can achieve your results then do get in touch for a free Discovery Call with me by email or book a call at www.speakwithjo.com
My fabulous clients put in real commitment to make huge changes in their careers and lives and as a result achieve amazing results.
Today I wanted to share with you (with her permission) a client’s story which I find inspiring and I’m sure you will too.
Amanda is a senior manager in the NHS, working in 2 different roles along with managing family life.
Like many of us she had achieved career success but still expected herself to be better, to achieve even more and not to struggle with worry or stress.
“I was overwhelmed by work pressure and feeling out of control. I felt I was failing in one of my jobs, and was trying to decide if I should just leave, and though happy in the other role spent many out of hours time worrying about the work.
I came to coaching with an aim to decide whether to leave one job, and ended with a whole new perspective.
Jo gave me increased confidence but more importantly my sense of self. She helped me practice kindness to myself when things were tough which meant I approached the challenges calmly and objectively and performed more effectively.
She also helped me think more clearly about what I want. We worked together to help me to go after my long term goals and I achieved such change in the 3 months. I’m not leaving either job immediately but am making plans for a new and exciting project in research.
Its been 3 months since I finished the programme and I continue to see the results daily. I am more confident and put myself in more challenging situations, but also have stopped needing to be ‘perfect’ and ask for help when I need it.
Because of Jo I am presenting at my professional conference, I have just had my appraisal and got ‘excellent’ across all areas, and I am driving change.
Most importantly my anxiety around work is considerably reduced, my work life balance is better because I don’t spend time out of work worrying and I’m taking better care of myself
I found the programme structure really constructive – Jo helped me evaluate the areas I wanted to change and made gradual steps over the three months towards this.
I found the weekly calls gave me a chance to reflect and review work, and with Jo I was able to see my work behaviours more clearly – the ones that were useful and the ones that were not!
It helped setting specific goals, but the programme was flexible enough to adapt to change and different priorities along the way.
Three words that describes Jo’s coaching style: Empathetic, proactive, creative.
I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend Jo to any woman who wants to make change at work. Be it simply making work more enjoyable or if you want to go after big dreams.
I am in no doubt I wouldn’t have made such progress this year without Jo’s coaching.”
A fabulous story I’m sure you’ll agree – it’s amazing how a few key insights into your career and mindset can change everything in such a short time.
If you’d like to make big change in your career mindset and performance or work/life balance do get in touch. You can book a free call at www.speakwithjo.com
Christmas is getting close now and can you feel your blood pressure rising and your chest tightening?
It’s that time of year when we’re filled with holiday cheer but also a dose of arrangement anxiety and turkey tension.
How can you ensure you enjoy the festivities without a rollercoaster of last minute preparation and family feuds?
Here are 5 things you don’t have to worry about this Christmas:
Pre-preparing – Let go of control. We can control a lot less in life than we think we can. Relinquish the need to plan life to the finest detail and therefore setting yourself up for upset when reality and relatives don’t live up. Relax and enjoy, what ever happens you’ve got it!
Turkey tension – Do you fear failure? We all fail. No one has a 100% success rate. It’s about living and trying things, experiencing life, being your potential, taking a risk, having a go and learning. Do you only play to win? What if it was a learning curve that guaranteed a life well lived?
People pleasing – yes we all want to give generously and make others happy. But when your focus is on trying to gain acceptance and strive for compliments you put your power in the hands of others. Be your own validator.
Not having enough – we have a lot more than we need but we always want more. Try to develop an abundance mindset. In the big picture no one ever says; “if only I’d got that Mulberry handbag, life would have been so much better” Or maybe you do!
Looking good – None of us is happy with the shape we are in. Big bum, bad skin, sagging jaw, lumpy nose, hair in places we never imagined it could grow we’re all insecure about something. Accept yourself and focus on being healthy. One day you’ll look back and wished you looked like you do now.
Would you like to give yourself the Xmas gift of a Confident 2019? Then don’t miss out on working with me.
I only take on 3 new clients a month and as you’d expect the New Year is a busy time. So do get in touch or book a free Discovery Call for the New Year on my online calendar at www.speakwithjo.com
Wishing you a stress free Xmas and a confident 2019
Even though women today are in leadership positions they never dreamed of being in 60 years ago. Women still have challenges when a they are a leader in a male-dominated industry.
More and more women are making moves into positions historically dominated by men and finding that the higher they climb the more alone as a woman they are.
In these traditional occupations such as; Finance, Law, Tech and STEM industries, women face the challenge that they stand out more as a women amongst many men. However, they can also be less visible being ignored, interrupted or excluded in the male environment.
If you’re a female leader, especially in one of these industries then these tips will help you rise above some of your challenges.
Create Alliances With Decision Makers
My clients come to me because they’ve been put down, pushed aside, or overlooked. It’s not easy to feel you’ve been undervalued. I suggest to these female leaders that they start to build healthy relationships with advocates, colleagues, mentors and other decision makers.
By creating these alliances you will have support when you’re in the room and someone speaking up for you when you’re not.
2. Find Your Confidence
If you’ve been placed in a leadership role, then those higher than you saw something of value that you have to offer.
Armed with the assurance of knowing you earned the role you’re in. Speak confidently and make decisive choices. Don’t work so hard at pleasing others that you let them walk all over you.
Tackle any Imposter Syndrome by making accurate assessments of your performance and asking for feedback to back it up
3. Overcome your Perfectionism
Research has shown that women are more risk averse than men and as a result often want to ensure everything is perfect to avoid failure.
However, many of the female leaders I coach get paralysed by their perfectionist tendencies. It causes them to procrastinate or totally avoid making a decision.
Physically walking away from the problem if you are stuck and focus on another task until your mind has calmed and they have the intuition to move forward.
4. Handle Inappropriate Behaviour
What is unacceptable behaviour to one person is not to another, so it’s important you have identified what your personal boundaries are around how colleagues or clients behave towards you.
Whether it is harassment, bullying, inappropriate comments or exclusion, by men or women. Are you prepared to speak up, call it out or make a complaint?
Many female leaders find it scary and uncomfortable to speak up. however, communicating to others when they breach your boundaries is important not just as a principle but also to maintain your self-worth and self-respect.
5. Trust Your Own Voice
Have you ever had the thought “Who am I to…?” It’s a question that regularly crops up when I talk to clients about what holds them back from speaking up.
Remember that you are one of the most successful, wealthy, educated women on this planet and you have been given your role for a reason. Trust and use your voice.
If you’re looking to feel recognised, valued and fulfilled at work. Then I’d love to share with you some strategies that are specific to your career needs and that will have a huge impact on your career.
Use This Personality Test For Ideas On Careers, Relationships And Friends
I use a personality test with many of my clients when we are building their self-awareness.
I’ve found it helps them understand more about ‘why they behave like they do’ and gives suggestions of potential careers that would suit them.
The Meyers-Briggs test is a well-known personality test that’s used by a lot of corporate companies. It’s based on Carl Jung’s Four Colour Energies and was developed by the mother and daughter partnership of Katherine Briggs and Isabel Briggs-Meyer.
Like every test the results aren’t completely accurate and you’ll find there are parts of the description that you’ll disagree with.
There are 16 different personality types based on 4 pairs of descriptions and the test aligns you to one of the descriptions in each pair. Making the final description 4 letters long
For example I came out as an ‘Entertainer’ ESFP and after reading the description I could definitely see some of my character traits. Things like; being people and feelings focused and not planning past the now and short-term pleasures.
Then there were other bits I couldn’t totally see in myself though, such as; being utterly social and all the world is my stage??!!
Here’s a simple explanation of the 4 pairs of preferences
People and things (Extraversion or “E”), or ideas and information (Introversion or “I”).
Facts and reality (Sensing or “S”), or possibilities and potential (Intuition or “N”).
Logic and truth (Thinking or “T”), or values and relationships (Feeling or “F”).
A lifestyle that is well-structured (Judgment or “J”), or one that goes with the flow (Perception or “P”).