People who lack confidence, and women in particular, are often living their life inside their own heads. This means that a lot of the things they believe is happening in their world, isn’t really.
A client of mine, we’ll call her Sue, was an expert at creating her own environment and as a result had lost confidence socially, at work and in relationships.
If she was out socially she’d be so focused on what other people were thinking about her, and how negatively they were judging her, that she’d become tongue-tied and unable to have a conversation.
At work she would stress about what would happen if she made a mistake or didn’t get work finished on time. In her head this would lead to disapproval, upset and eventually losing her job. Even though she’d had good feedback from bosses, in her mind she was just a small step from unemployment.
Sue has had relationships but because they failed she worried that she won’t find anyone. When she started a new relationship she constantly made assumptions about what her boyfriend was thinking or what his actions might mean. This caused her to waste a lot of time and energy and not to relax and be herself.
I worked with Sue on being aware of when she is creating her own world and making assumptions. From this she could then start to challenge whether her thoughts had any evidence or logic or whether they were actually just her negative thinking.
3 other tips that helped Sue are:
When you meet people stay focused on them rather than being absorbed in your own head. This means actively listening and really taking notice of what the other person is saying. Not being distracted by thinking about what you’re going to say or whether what you just said sounds stupid. Active listening also has the benefit of making the other person feel you’re interested in them and builds rapport
Accept that you can’t know what other people are thinking unless they tell you. So be comfortable with the unknown and choose to believe that most people make positive judgements
Practice Mindfulness, learning how to stay present in the moment rather than reliving the past or worrying about the future allows you to get out of your head
Over time Sue has learnt how to distract, challenge or not listen to herself when these thought storms start. This has enabled her to trust and believe in herself more and her increased confidence means she enjoys life far more.
Even the word rejection feels hard and hurtful and it triggers in me thoughts about “not being good enough”.
Not being clever enough, pretty enough, thin enough, kind enough or funny enough, they all feel painful.
Being rejected can be a bad experience whether it’s personally or professionally as no one wants to be snubbed or told No.
These rejections are often part of our learning process and lead to a more suitable future opportunity. But when you’re suffering the hurt of a recent rejection, how can you cope and overcome your not good enough thoughts?
ONE – Don’t Overthink It
By reliving the experience and the uncomfortable feelings constantly you are keeping the memory alive in reality and will be unable to let it go. Analyse it to find any lessons you can learn then change your focus to more positive events.
TWO – Forgive Yourself
Blaming yourself and listening to your inner critic will only make you feel worse. So accept responsibility for anything you may have done wrong and then let it go
Three – Forgive The Other Person
This may sound very tricky but rejection is a natural process and you will have rejected people in your time. think back to those experiences and try to empathise with the other person. Remember that forgiving someone allows you to let go of your pain it doesn’t mean you always condone another’s behaviour
Four – It’s Not Always About You
You may never know the reason for your rejection however it is often not to do with you personally but about circumstances or the other person. So accept this and be comfortable with not knowing
Five – Have The Confidence To Try Again
You may think that there’s no point in trying again as you’ll only get the same outcome. However the quickest way to rebuild your confidence is to step out of your comfort zone again and show everyone that you trust and value yourself
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If you find it hard to accept compliments and praise, are over sensitive to comments or like to please people and can’t say no, then it is likely that you have low self esteem.
Self esteem is defined as what you think your ‘personal value or worth is’. So to determine your level of self esteem you need to honestly answer the question “How do I feel about who I am?”
Self esteem isn’t something that you are born with and no one can give it to you, it is something we learn. The good news is that it can be learned at any stage of life with the right tools and a positive mindset.
The key to improving self-esteem is to understand the negative beliefs you have about yourself and to challenge and then change them. As your coach I would help you through this process using exercises and techniques to replace your negative beliefs with more positive ones.
Low self esteem affects all aspects of your life, including work, relationships and social life. When you don’t value yourself you tend to avoid situations where you may feel uncomfortable or lack confidence. As a result you are not enjoying life to it’s full or reaching your potential. With support you can change your negative beliefs, really value yourself and become the ‘best you can be’
To find out more about my self esteem and confidence coaching programme please contact me.
How to build Self Confidence